


The Rise and Fall of Finn

by purplequeenppgz



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Death, M/M, Minor Violence, minor smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 15:06:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6709804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplequeenppgz/pseuds/purplequeenppgz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Finn actually stayed in the First Order and never bothered trying to escape. What if he lived up to his superiors hopes and became the best stormtrooper in the First Order. Well, if such a thing did happen Finn would not be the bubbly lovable man we know him as. He'd slowly become a heartless mass murderer.</p><p>But I think Finn no matter what universe would be destined to betray the First Order eventually. Just how he does it deepens on if he's able to relieve or ignore his feelings of guilt and empathy.  He'd just have a longer and more agonizing journey to become the man we know and love today.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Rise and Fall of Finn

You didn't become the best soldier in the First Order by dwelling on your feelings. You got it by following orders and being ruthless. You got that title by having so much skill that you were slightly less expendable then the average storm trooper.  
Finn knew that much. His position has been well earned.

He earned it when he did his first slaughter. Shooting at defenseless villagers he felt a painful tugging at his heart. As quick as the feeling came it left. They had been Resistance sympathizers, he reasoned to himself. And this was a war. You were either with the First Order or you suffered the consequences of making yourself an enemy. Despite what he told himself after the event Finn felt like a rock was laying on his heart making it hard to breath. Any breath that manage to escape his mouth was slow and shallow. His body felt like it was being compressed inward as pain shot through every vain of his body. After he got aboard the Finalizer, he was close to throwing up. He needed as much space and air as possible. He wanted to run but he couldn't go anywhere. He had eventually calmed himself down and when he did he tried to forget what had happen. It was best not to think about it, he had told himself. It was best to ignore his feelings and just do as he was told. If he did that then he would not be reconditioned.

He earned his title as best soldier in the First Order when he killed the desert rat. Well, he wasn't so sure about that if he was being honest. Even when the women's pool of blood laid at his feet he still questioned if he had killed her out of skill or out of luck. It had been an intense battle between the girl and Lord Ren. There had been a violent clash between Resistance fighters and First Order soldiers. Finn as a result had gotten beaten up pretty badly. He must have gotten shot at least three times that day. How he had enough strength to follow Lord Ren as he chased after the girl into a forest was a miracle in and of itself. As he watched the lightsabers smash into each other , he stood a respectable distance away. He wasn't sure what to do. His instincts told him to protect his superior but his brain told him to stay back. He was internally wounded and there was no way he could protect himself from the blow of a lightsaber. If he interjected himself into the fight he would be slashed to ribbons. Beside from the looks of it Lord Ren didn't need his help. He didn't train year with Snoke for nothing. Lord Ren was holding his own against this tri-bunned girl.

He was confident Lord Ren would win until he saw a figure in a robe appear. hne didn't need to see the mans face to know who he was. Luke Skywalker ignited his lightsaber and widened his stance as he was getting ready to fight. Lord Ren luckily was able fling the girl against a tree. Lord Ren took his turn at Luke defending himself from the light saber. Finn however noteced the girl get up. Finn wasn't sure if he could even properly hold a gun with his body broken and bruised. Finn saw the angry look on her face and Panicked. That was a look of someone attmpting to kill. Finn then realized she was far away from Lord Ren enough that he could at the very least make the attempt to shoot. Even if he missed it was worth the effort. He got his blaster ready and aimed. He took a couple of shots at the girl and missed the first time but didn't miss his second try. He heard her scream in pain and a smirk formed on his face as he saw her blood leaking from her body and tainting the pure forest snow. There use to be a time where the thought of killing made his stomach quisy and his head dizzy but now he did it with ease.

Luke had managed to cut Lord Ren's in the face and slash his light saber into his shoulder for good measure. This left Lord Ren a bloody mess just like the girl a few feet away from him. Luke quickly ran towards his padawan as he yelled out her name between frantic breaths. Finn took a couple of shots his way but he was able to deflect with his lightsaber. The only two people left standing Luke, the Jedi master, and Finn, the wounded stormtrooper. The thought made Finn freeze and he was hyper aware of his surroundings. This is not a fight Finn wants to engage in. Luke has been training since before Finn was kidnapped and conditioned. Luke didn't have any injuries on him at all yet Finn was bruised all over. Finn did not like those odds. Finn took aim and fired but of course his blaster decided to jam on him right at that moment. Luke lowered his lightsaber but he did not take his eyes off of him. Finn felt like Luke wasn't just staring at him in particular but into his soul. He suddenly felt self-conscious as if he was being judged and exposed before a court for his crimes. Finn knew that Luke saw something in him. The two men had not spoken a word to each other yet Finn felt Luke knew too much about him. He wanted to curl up and hide. Finn had a lump forming in his through that caught his breath and refused to release it. Finn wanted desperately to shield himself from the man's judging eyes. But then instead of feeling judged or exposed he felt something else. He felt something touch his beating heart and wrap it in warmth. It felt like the very essence of everything light and good. Luke then turned his back to Finn .

As quickly as the feeling came it left. Finn felt indignant. As if a deep part of his privacy had been violated. How dare this man make him feel anything besides contempt and loathing. Finn wanted to fight the man for his mental and emotional intrusion but he couldn't. He was too beaten and he too was dripping blood. Luke took Rey into his arms and turned around to take one final look at Finn. He then turned to leave. As he walked away his silhouette disappearing into the blizzard. It was like his body was swallowed whole by the snowstorm.

Finn made his way to Lord Ren who was still bleeding out. The man was still conscious but did not move. Finn wanted to ask Lord Ren if he was okay but knew it would be a waste of breath. Lord Ren had Luke right at the tip of his fingertips and yet Luke still got away. Luke managed to best him despite all his training. Finn better keep his thoughts in check. It was not good to think such thoughts next to a force user who could read mind. Finn knew he was a cesspool of rage,regret, and self pity. There was no need to make him feel worse.

Finn didn't know what to do at that point. He didn't think he had the strength to drag Lord Ren to safety but if he waited for help then he could bleed out. Lord Ren needed immediate medical attention. Finn then listen to a feeling that wrapped itself around Finn-consuming him and fusing itself into his inner core. It wasn't just a voice or a whisper but something deep inside him was trying to guide him. If felt to spiritual to be something as animalistic as his instinct. It was like a higher plane of existence was pushing itself into him. Something more knowledgeable and wise then he could ever hope to be. He listened to it and let it guide him. He did something he never thought he would do . He took off his helmet and he reached for Lord Ren's hand. The dark haired man turned to the stormtrooper. They locked eyes and for some time did not speak. Finn was surprised that Lord Ren did not recoil from his touch -did not reprimand him for daring to lay his hands on him. For some reason the thought that Lord Ren wanted his sentiments made him feel warm. In this cold tundra any sort of warmth was welcomed. It was a heat that grew inside him but didn't warm his outside body. But it was heat. A calm heat. Finn then took his other hand to hold his Lord."Don't worry, sir. It's going to be okay." Finn noticed the Knights muscles relaxed. As if for a moment he did believe Finns baseless words.

Finn looked at the blood stain that was spreading faster the more time Lord Ren layed on the snow. Finn realized as much as Lord Ren might have appreciate his sentiment he would appreciate medical help a lot more. Finn took a deep breath as he knew what he was about to do wasn't safe for either of them, but he couldn't just wait for help. They had to go get help not wait for help to come to them. He then lifted Lord Ren up. He hadn't lifted the man four inches from the ground before his muscles screamed for him to stop. The logical part of his brain told him to put the knight down and rest. Finn just kept on going. Finn made sure to carry the knight as delicately as he could. It was already dangerous to lift a wounded victim bridal style he didn't want to make any movements that might hurt the knight further. Finn walked towards where he knew the Finalizer was. As he walked he felt blood slicking down his leg. Whether it was his or Lord Ren's he did not know. He was not going to check.

His muscles were sore and begging for mercy and by the time Hux found him they got their wish. Hux took Lord Ren into his arms. As Finn layed his Lord into the Generals arms he could see a grimace on his face as Lord Ren's blood soaked his uniform. As far as Finn is concerned Hux needed to get over his prissy self. He should show Lord Ren some more respect. They made haste to the ship. When they all reached the ship both him and Ren where transferred to the medical bay for treatment. Phasma came and asked Finn what exactly happened to put Lord Ren in such a state. After Finn explained everything the women made a comment how she was surprised that he could even lift Ren with all his injuries. According to her he had lost a lost so much blood he should have fainted.. How he did it he didn't know. "A soldier must always put his superiors above himself, ma'am. I don't think it's important how I did it. The important thing is I did it and Lord Ren is alive." Phasma didn't say anything after that. She left the room. Finn lowered himself into the hospital bed and went to sleep. You didn't become the best soldier in the resistance by focusing on your bodily limitations, but you did become the best soldier by killing one of the last two Jedi.

Finn definitely knew he earned his title as best soldier in the First Order when when Kylo fucking Ren of all people were warming up to him. Finn hadn't expected the dark knight to be grateful for saving his life. He had assumed that Ren would dismiss it as just another soldier following orders. Finn was surprised as everybody else when Lord ren managaed to choke out a thank you. Finn had been called out from his training session into the conference room of some sort. Phasma simply said Lord Ren needed his presents immediatly. When Finn walked in the conference room was empty with the exception of a certain knight. Finn's defenses where hightened when he noticed not a soul was around. Sure he had been around the knight before but never alone. Lord Ren was not a man you wanted to be in a room alone with. He slashes his lightsaber on tech and equipment all the time and if that's how he reacts in public imagine the damage he'd do to an individual in private. Whatever this was about Finn was sure this wasn't good. Imagine his surprised when that deep voice Lord Ren was notorious for uttered the words "thank-you". Finn was caught so off guard he was tempted to ask him to repeat ,which was something a soldier should never ask. "I said thank-you." His voice didn't show a hint of any emotions. Finn didn't know what to say. He doesn't think he's ever heard anyone of his superior actually say thank you for anything ever. What was even the correct response to this? Finn knew it was rude not to respond and every second left silent was a risk of being insubordinate. "You are dismissed," and just like that Finn left the room and went back to his training session confused.

Finn thought that had been the end of that. But then Lord Ren started requesting his presents for tasks that he could get any stormtrooper to do. Yet each time without fail he would call FN 87 to accomplish these simple tasks. Sometimes Lord Ren would call him to do nothing at all. He would just order Finn to stand around as he meditated or trained. At first Finn didn't think much of it ,but then whenever he was trailing behind Lord Ren a lot of the officers stared at them and then whispered to each other. This was such strange behavior as usually whenever Lord Ren past by everyone made a habit of being silent.

Finn then started to understand what was happening pretty quick. It didn't take long for the gossip to reach his ears and he prayed to whatever god was out there that it would never reach Commander Ren. People will make up anything,he thought We would they even get an idea like that. Finn soon started to suspect that the rumors had a nugget of truth to them the more time he spent with Commander Ren. Even he began to raise his eyebrow in suspicion when Lord Ren started complimenting him for doing very basic tasks.

Finn then stopped questioning everything when one day Phasma called him from his room to go to Ren. When they reached the room the door didn't need to be open to see that Lord Ren was throwing his tantrum inside and destroying equipment. Before he could ask why you where here Phasma simply said "Deal with him". For the first time in his life Finn was ready to object to an order. Before he could say a word ,however, she pushed him in. He tried to turn around to open the door but it seemed like she had automatically locked it from the outside. Shit. He didn't want to be in the same room with the screaming emo toddler throwing a tantrum. Lord Ren was slashing equipment as usual and he was being showered by electrical sparks. Finn didn't know what Captain Phasma meant by 'deal with him'. If she couldn't control him what made her think he could? Sure, it was well known at this point that he had some type of infatuation with Finn (Finn wondered if he knew that everyone else knew and just didn't care or if he was just horrible at keeping his feeling a secret) but that didn't mean he wouldn't ram his lightsaber into his skull if angered enough. He gave it a try anyway knowing at the very least Lord Ren would put him into critical medical condition. Finn had decided he lived a long enough life and if Lord Ren stabs him with his saber then that was just the way God wanted him to go. "Um, Sir. What seems to be the matter?" Lord Ren stops and turns to face Finn. Finn was sure this was the moment his life should be flashing before his eyes. Now that the Knight had his undivided attention solely on Finn he took agonizingly slow steps towards the man. Finn wanted nothing more in the world then to turn around and run for his life. He was panicking and his thoughts were a frantic mess. The Knight then stopped a few feet away from Finn and took off his helmet. With a hiss the helmet was raised above his head and his raven black locks fell and framed his face.

The Knight then requested his presents to his private quarters . As he left the room Finn just stood there shocked. "Now,FN-2187." Finn jumped but then quickly left the room to follow the Knight. As they walked by Finn made it a point to follow a few feet behind the Knight at the risk of stepping on his robes and pissing him off even more. The closer they got to Ren's quarters the less and less officers. Finn saw. They eventually got to an area of the ship that was completely barren of people save for Finn and Commander Ren. He punched a few numbers into his security system to open the door to his room. Kylo stepped in and Finn quickly followed as he took shallow rapid breaths with each step. The door behind him close and he could feel a jolt of fear run from his head down to his toes. Finn didn't know why he was here but was sure he was going to find out soon and was more than certain he was not going to like it. Did Commander Ren want to take his anger out on him instead of the metal equipment of the ship? If so would he decapitate Finn's head. Would he be merciful and give him a quick death? Or would he mentally torture Finn with his force mind tricks? Would he cut Finn into pieces with his saber? Finn looked around the room quickly and his eye's stopped at a pile of ashes Commander Ren had put his helmet on when he entered the room. This injected so much fear into Finn that the man started visibly trembling.

He didn't know what he expected to happen but he didn't expect Lord Ren to just command a blow-job from him. Finn's faced heated up. Finn was no stranger to receiving or giving oral sex. During his training to become a stormtrooper, the First Order basically put a bunch of horny boys in one cramped space. Of course sleeping wasn't the only thing that was going to get done. Finn would admit that on some missions he took a minute or two to find someone to help release some tension. He never expected to be giving one of his superiors a blow-job. Well, maybe General Hux since rumor has it he does in fact swing that way .Finn knows some officers who have claimed to to slept with Hux. All except one were men.

Finn took off his helmet and placed it gently on the nightstand. The Commander was sitting at the edge of his bed with his legs spread wide open as he undid his pants. When his throbbing erection sprang free from his pants he gestured for Finn to come closer. Finn didn't have to be told twice as he got between the Knigt's legs. Finn took half of his penis into his mouth as he used one hand to jerk off the Knights remaining shaft. Finn started bobbing his head up and down as the Knight let out a couple of grunts. Occasionally, he would buck his hips into Finn so Finn would take him in deeper. Finn didn't need anymore hints as he took in his shaft until he felt his member hit the back of his throat. Finn gagged but quickly got use to it. Finn continued to pleasure the Knight until he released himself into Finn's mouth. When Finn was done he took the Knights penis out of his mouth and waited for any further instructions. Lord Ren had his eyes closed the entire time and when he opened his eyes his gaze met Finn's.

“What is your name?” he asked.

“FN-2187,” Finn had replied.

The Knight rolled his eyes. “No, I mean what is the name the other stormtroopers refer to you as.”

“Most of the other stormtroopers refer to me by name not nickname ,but on the rare occasion that they do I prefer the nickname Finn.”

“Finn?” He said in contemplation as if he was testing the name as it rolled off his tongue, deciding whether or not it was to his taste.

“It's simple but it fits you. I like it.”

“Thank you ,sir.”

After that it had been a common occurrence for Finn to come to Kylo's quarters to have sex. This did not get pass the starship's gossip mill. Finn started having people ask him embarrassing and intrusive questions about Lord Ren's sex life. Finn tried his best to deflect such questions. He couldn't outright lay since at that point it was obvious that Lord Ren had some sort of favor to him. But he was afraid by conforming it Kylo would decapitate him with his lightsaber.

You didn't become the best soldier in the First Order by dwelling on your feelings ,but Finn could feel the butterflies in his chest every time he looked at kylo. Every time Kylo took off his helmet Finn was stunned by his beauty. He looked and admired each mole on his face as if each time would be the last time he'd see his face. Every time Kylo would go out of his way to complement Finn he could feel his heart was ready to burst out his body and into Kylo's hands. Kylo did in fact have Finn's heart in his hands and such a fact should scare Finn. Why put his feelings into a dark lord? Into someone who could kill him with just an order? Surely this couldn't end well. There was a reason why the First Order had anti-fraternizing rules. That ,however, didn't stop Kylo and once Finn thought about it he was certain there wasn't a person on board who could stop Kylo. Finn tried not to think too deep about the situation. Stormtroopers do they don't think. And if Kylo wanted Finn to do him Finn wasn't going to think to hard about it.

At first it worked. If Finn didn't think about his feelings usually they would go away. Like a robot he would just focus on the task given to him at hand and get it done. However, slowly but surely his feelings came back pushing away his sense of calm and replacing it with a chaos of tangled emotions. Guilt and fear seemed to be the emotions that dominated him the most. Guilt over what he's done to earn his position and fear for how he might get reconditioned for even feeling guilt in the first place. It was a baseless fear. As long as he kept killing the First Order didn't care if he felt guilt. But at the same time it wasn't a good look. It didn't look good for one of the top soldiers to be engulfed with guilt.

Finn started to have nightmares. He would see people get killed and slaughtered. Children being kidnapped from their parents and place into First Order ships. Those same parent's being killed in front of their children. No matter what nightmare he had. It always ended the same with Finn running for his life covered in blood. Finn was always running from something checking his back to see if he was being followed. But that something was never seemed. Just when it caught up to him Finn would wake up. He would awaken in a cold sweat and short of breath.

Even when he was awake he felt his nightmares battle inside him and tear him apart from the inside. At any given time Finn felt like he had ten different emotions all fighting for dominance over his consciousness. His heart was in anguish and his head was a cloud of chaotic emotions. He did not know what to do who to tell. He tried to do what he knew best and at first he ignored his pain but as the weeks went by the chaos in his mind got more intense more hectic. His nightmares even got worse. There was more blood and more screaming. He knew he had a problem when at random times he would here screaming villagers screaming at a distance. When he was in the mess hall or training room it seemed like he always felt pain always heard screaming. There was one scream which stood out from the rest. It was the pained voice of a women Finn was sure. It took a while for Finn to realize those where the screams of all the people he had killed. Finn felt unsettled.

Finn asked about the girl that was with Luke Skywalker. Kylo face twisted in contempt. They never brought the incident up despite the fact that it was the reason their whole "relationship" started in the first place. Kylo didn't like to be reminded of the fact that he had almost died. Kylo said that the girl had barely survived as she was shot in the head and the chest but she was alive. There hadn't been much reports of people spotting her or Luke concluding that though she was alive she must have suffered serious damage that required her to lay low until she healed.

Kylo seemed to be omitting some details but Finn decided to drop the subject. Finn felt his emotions swirl around each other but for once they were not fighting for dominance. He didn't feel like his emotions where ripping him apart. At first he felt relief. He hadn't killed the girl after all. Then he felt guilt. He still shot to kill her and by Kylo's understanding she was still gravely injured. Despite her being alive Finn knew she would still be in his nightmares dead and bloody. He decided to except his feelings and not fight them for once. This decision was the first step for Finn to gain he gained control of his inner turmoil.

 

"Do you ever feel like your heart is being pulled apart?" Finn said.

Kylo's eyebrows raised but the man chose not to respond to the random question.

"Like some higher power is controlling your emotions. And when you try to fight back for control the struggle ends up ripping you apart in the process."

Kylo's eyes went wide and he opened his mouth but shut it fast. He then turned away from Finn. Kylo's brows knitted together ans his lips pressed into each other. It had been a few minutes before Kylo turned back to Finn. "Yes. I've had two similar experiences to that. Once was when I was a child-"

"What had happened when you were a child?"

Kylo's eyes left Finns face and shifted it's focus to the floor. Finn realized then that maybe the question was getting to personal and he might have jumped the gun. "What about the other experience?"

Kylo still wasn't looking at him ,but he started biting his lips. As if to stop himself from speaking unless he let's out confidential information.  
"Sometimes I feel like there's a battle going on inside me. Like my personality is split into two polar opposites and those opposites fight for control over my mind and my heart. It's never enough that one side dominates the other as both sides don't fight for dominance per say. They fight for the right to be the only side to exist within me. I feel like I'm being ripped apart and there's nothing I can do until one side kills the other." Kylo's eyes then met Finn's to try to decipher his reactions to his words.

Finn was not expecting Kylo to put into words so beautifully how he's felt. Finn was not a man who believed in soulmates but in that moment he felt like Kylo and him were meant for each other. How could he not be when the man understood how he felt better than he himself ever can? His eyes started to shine with tears and his lips quivered. Kylo wrapped his arms around Finn and pulled him closer. For the first time in his life Finn felt fully understood . He didn't want Kylo to ever let him go.

On his next mission the First Order raided a village that was hiding Resistance members. After the members where taken into custody the soldiers were ordered to kill the villagers. Same old same old but for some reason this time was different for Finn. With every shot he fired he felt his racing heart squeeze into itself spreading agony across his body. Finn was thankful he was wearing a helmet as he tears started to trail down his cheeks. He felt like ice was running through his veins. The villagers would not stop screaming. Even when they were all dead and being stacked into a pile of rotting corpses , their screams would not stop ringing between Finns ears. Their voices haunted the corridors of Finn's mind.

Finn knew then he had to leave but he did not know how. His life belonged to the First Order. You didn't just write a letter of resignation and walk out. Plus he was a stormtrooper if he ever gave a hint he wanted to stop they would just put him out of his misery rather than let him walk away a free man.

Then Resistance pilots came swooping in shooting lasers at the ground in hopes of hitting the stormtroopers.It seemed like the Resistance had brought in reinforcements. Resistance fighters quickly flooded the battle field to attack the stormtroopers. Some even attacked Finn but Finn was able to dodge their lasers and fire back. As the body count piled up around him the only thing Finn could think to himself was that he wanted to stop. He didn't want to do this anymore. If he never saw another dead body again then it would be too soon. He could feel himself get another panic attack and all he needed to do right at this moment was to run. During all the commotion, Finn had managed to run into a nearby forest. His initial plan (if you could even call it that) was to run even when his lungs felt like they were on fire. Even if his entire body burned with agony he would run and he wouldn't stop until his legs gave out. If he wanted to escape he had to push his body to the limit and that meant to run until he couldn't run anymore.

His plans were put to a halt when he was faced with the girl with the tri-buns. Rey was it? She ignited her light saber and pounced to attack. Finn shot at her but it was hard to take proper aim when his vision was spotty. She managed to block all but one shot with her light saber that managed to hit her leg. Finn decided that for now he would fight to survive not to win. He used her moment of impairment to run. It was never a good idea to turn your back on the enemy but Finn didn't have much of a choice. He didn't want to fight this girl at all, but she seemed dead set on dueling him. All he wanted was his freedom. Finn felt the saber slash across the back of his armor. Before he could be thankful that his uniform had saved him from a potentially deep wound. He felt himself get knocked down. He was ready to get back up before the girl put her saber near his neck. “Move and you die,” she said. Eventually other resistance members came and they took him away as a prisoner. He decided to do the best thing storm troopers knew how to do which was follow orders. He followed them to his jail without a fuss.

 

They interrogated him and Finn gave them the answers they want. He could tell by their confused faces that they were surprised he gave up such important information so easily. Based on all the rough looking guys surrounding the room they were expecting to extract information the hard way. They exchanged weary glances when they eventually left the room.

Most of the information Finn had given them seemed to hold up. Because of his intel the Resistance where able to prepare for Future plans of a First Order attack. They were able to raid First Order friendly villages. They were able to intersect the routes where the First Order buys and trafficked it's weapons.

His living situation on the Resistance base has gotten nicer. Instead of scowling or staring at Finn people actually smile at him. They were still weary and cautious not to speak of important information around him but the seem to slowly warm up to him. It didn't hurt that Finn went out of his way to be nice to people. A complement here and there went a long way. Finn felt stupid when he found out that begin nice felt nice. It made him feel warm and safe. he might be a prisoner but he's never felt more free. He's actually aloud to express his emotions instead of hiding them behind a mask. He was aloud to express himself as an individual not repress himself to fit into a crowd. The best thing about it was that he wasn't expected to kill. Finn couldn't help but feel relieved that he wouldn't be forced to take a life ever again. Finn didn't know when he made the transition from prisoner to a non-threat. They moved him out of his jail cell and into a normal room where officers slept in. Did that make him an official member? Maybe? Kinda?Hopefully not?

Despite all this Finn was not expecting General Leia to come speak to him. At first her attempts at conversation was awkward. She asked a few questions about his intentions of giving such valuable information and Finn struggled to give her a concrete answer. He eventually said that he wanted to be as far as the First Order as possible.  
Finn has done a lot of messed up things in his life that could not and should not be forgiven ,but he had hoped at least by helping the Resistance just a little he can atone for the harm he had caused. He couldn't do that if the First Order got their hands on him again. The fact that the General of the Resistance was talking to him on somewhat friendly terms made Finn feel like he was on the right path.

She had eventually asked about her son and when Finn looked into her eyes he saw two people. One was a head strong women and a fearless leader the other was a worried broken hearted mother. One did not conflict with the other and they seemed to form a perfect balance only coming out when appropriate. Right he was seeing the face he was seeing was the worried mother.

"He still has light in him but he's emotionally and mentally unstable." Finn didn't know what else to tell her but that. Despite Kylo being a complicated person he was very simple to describe. He was evil and confused.  
The General then smiled. It was a smile that would brighten even the darkest corners of space.

"What was he to you?" She asked.

Finn lifted his eyebrow in confusion. "What makes you think I was anything to him?"

"When you speak of him I can feel your warmth."

"Are you reading my mind?" God Finn hoped she couldn't. This women didn't need to know the dirty things Finn thinks about in his dark and twisted mind.

"No but I can feel your love for him pushing outward."

Finn was silent for a minute. Should he tell her anything about his relationship? It was funny he didn't give it a second thought when he gave away valuable information of the First Order but when it came to this he wanted to keep things confidential. He looked into her eyes again but quickly turned away. Those eyes hid so much pain and sadness. He's saw those eyes before. On missions he'd see them in parent's who've had their children kidnapped or children who'd had their parent's killed. Those were the eyes of someone who's lost their family forever. It crosses Finn's mind that the General most likely hasn't talked to her son in years. It was likely that she might never get the chance to again. Given the fact that Kylo stabbed his father the last time they 'talked' Finn hoped she never will.

"We were lovers." Finn's cheeks heated up.

"Lovers? Was it only physical?" she said.

Finn almost choked on his tongue. Did she really just asked that?Finn did not want to explain his sex life to a 60 year old women. Especially not to his former lover's estranged mother.

“Don't be embarrassed. Trust me I've heard it all,”she said as a mischievous grin spread on her face.

"It started out physical as time went on it got more emotional." Finn really didn't want to talk about his love life right now. When he decided he wanted nothing more to do with the First Order he knew he'd have to leave his only love behind forever. He didn't want to think about it as each time he did his heart felt like it was being squeezed through the power of an invisible force. Finn knew it was futile. He tried ignoring his emotions before and that had only worked for a short time, however.

"I'm glad," she said with a sigh.

"Why?" Finns eyebrows furrowed together.

"If Kylo can still love then there is hope for him there is still good in him. Love can redeem anyone."

Finn didn't know how someone so old can be so idealistic. Sure there was still good in Kylo he knew that but Finn was sure that Kylo Ren could only reach redemption through death not love.If love redeems then why did Kylo grow up to be an angry mass murder when he grew up under the roof of two loving parents. Finn didn't point this out to her. He didn't want to be the one responsible for crushing her hopes and dreams .Kylo does that just fine on his own.

As time passed Finn and General Leia became surprisingly close. They enjoyed each others company and usually they spent their time exchanging stories. Finn made sure to dance around the fact that he had murdered many people before. Finn was sure the General already knew this of course but Finn wasn't about to go into morbid detail about his homicides. Finn usually kept his stories simple. Such as rumors of superior-suborniate relationships,how training was like, how the other storm troopers treated him, General Hux's cat, how the food was like. Mundane stuff.

Her stories ,however, tended to range from funny, to gross ,to sad. She told him how she had planted a kiss on Luke before they found out they were siblings. She told him how she lead her own escape. She also told him about how she came to love Han solo.

She told him that when people close to her died she felt their pain. When Han died she could barely handle the agony. She started to cry when she talked about her home planet. How her world had been destroyed before her eyes and how powerless she was to stop it. How she heard them all scream and panic one second but heard deafening silence the next. How when Han died her heart felt ready to burst. "My son was gone. My husband was dead and my brother was missing. My family was gone and I could do nothing to stop it. Sometimes at night I asked myself would my suffering never end? What had I done to deserve this?" In that moment Finn knew the depth of evilness that was within Empire and the First Order. He wanted to pin the blame on the generals that sent out orders to kill as if it was as easy as breathing. He wanted to blame the officers that sit back and bark orders as they let soldiers do their dirty work and die for their benefit. But Finn couldn't do that. He knew he had a responsibility ,too. He knew that as a soldier he was just as responsible for upholding the First Orders power . When the Starkiller base destroyed the Hosnian system he hadn't cared. When Kylo told him he killed his father he had felt nothing. But as The General retold the tale from her own perspective he felt the pain. It was like her body was overflowing with so much pain it had seeped into him. Finn reached out to hug the General. He was determined to make things right. He would contribute to the First Order's downfall.

Finn didn't know how the General did it. That was too much pain to be contained into one person. How she hadn't died of a broken heart he didn't know. She carried herself high and despite everything she still found it within herself to push through. Then Finn realized her hope was what kept her strong. It was what kept her going. Her hope was the reason why she thought Kylo could still be redeemed through the light of the force and through the power of love. The General had said that Luke was able to redeem Darth Vader the final hours of his life.At first Leia believed that Luke believed Darth Vader was redeemed but she didn't believe it herself. She was confused how a man who killed her entire planet could have any redeeming qualities at all.

Now she knew that if there was hope for Darth Vader there was hope for Kylo Ren.

Or so she believed.

**Author's Note:**

> If you see any errors please tell my I suck at grammer but I tried my best.  
> Also quick question when officers address Kylo do they use Lord Ren or Commander Ren. My dvd player broke so I couldn't rewatch the movie to check.
> 
> so i saw a fanart of firstorder! stormpilot and i wanted to read some firstorder dark Finn but Finn is just so under appreciated in the taggs that i felt i had a duty to write my own fanfic. This originally wasn't going to be a "story" per say. More like headcannons written out. But it ended up becoming a full fledged story. Keep in mind that I came up with and wrote the draft for this story yesterday but I spend all day today (or yesterday Saturday given the fact that it's past 12:00 here) writing and editing it. I am very proud of this fic. It takes me forever to write fanfiction and this is the first one I actually finished. Hope you guys enjoy. I wanted to give Finn the love and attention he deserved as I really wished people gave him the same amount of attention as other wonderful characters. (but watchagonnado with so many nice characters someone is bond to get underappreciated )


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